It’s been a while…

It’s been a while, I should’ve updated before but there’s been so much going off I didn’t know where to start. But today has spurred me into letting some of it out. On my way back from the hospital where the news was “we’re doubling your dose because it’s not working”, I text my ex-wife to ask about having James on Saturday. The conversation went as follows:

-How is he?

-Ok

-What’s happening tomorrow or have you got plans for him? I’ve got a car now so I can pick him up and drop him off if needs be.

-I’ve made plans as you hadn’t advised by the agreed time.

-You don’t get it do you. You never did. Nevermind.

-I get your memory issue you never got that I have a life and have to do things too!

-My point exactly. This has got fuckall to do with my memory.

-Ok so if not memory I understand that u don’t give a fuck so what else was there

-In case you forgot – I have a disease which is killing me. I don’t have the luxury of “planning” for anything. I’m taking a drug that has a 1 in 10 chance of giving me leukemia and they just doubled  my dosage. If it doesn’t stop it, the next step is Chemo. Not giving a fuck you say? I probably won’t live to see him reach 18 and that thought goes through my head every second of every day. I would spend every opportunity with him if I could. So feel free to stop being a self centred callous bitch and wake up to the real facts.

-Fuck you.
If anyone is self centred it’s you. I always understood the disease it’s just you who wanted to deal with it on your own. I have to deal with your backlashes everyday whether you’re here or not so yes if u think I’m a callus bitch continue as u are and get on with it.

-You’ll never understand it. Unless you have it yourself you’ll never understand the sacrifices and tough decisions that have to be made. I’ve always been the one to think of others first and when I can’t do that because of something that I can’t do anything about it kills me.

-Really? If that’s how u feel don’t contact me again.

-And what about James

-Text me about time for James only.
Under our agreement.

-Gladly.

I’ll get round to filling in the blanks of the last few months soon enough…