Posted: July 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

The last entry I wrote was 3 weeks ago. Some of the content I’m never going to share or at least I don’t think so. But having just re read it I can’t believe that between then and now, what I wrote is just even more poignant.

I found myself with a blade in my hand today. Just playing with it between my fingers. Not the sharpest of blades but it could do what was needed. I caught myself holding it against my skin and dropped it. All I could do was cry.

James, he’s one of two things keeping me going at the moment and I’m loosing grip of him too. Erica expressed her concern about how well I would cope with looking after him on my own. At first I thought it was some way of trying to be awkward but, in all fairness, she’s right. I can’t even look after myself so how can I look after him too.

In the last week I’ve collapsed, had a massive nosebleed, not slept for three days and then slept for a straight 15 hours. At work I fell asleep in the middle of an important job and came round to find I’d gone on auto pilot and adjusted stock off against the wrong code, the only way to fix it was to manually adjust all the items back on and then off again on the right code. A task like that should take longer than a full shift. I somehow managed to correct it in two hours. If I hadn’t I doubt I’d have had a job for much longer.

It’s got me wondering what I really have left. One of my sisters courteously pointed out that it’s all my own fault (shortly after stating that she didn’t want to get involved). I don’t deny that. But I couldn’t stay there. Everything would have continued downhill.

Currently I have very little in the way of physical possessions but I’ve never been one for them anyway. I have a few close friends but they have problems of their own without me adding to their worries both mentally and the physical effort of “carrying” me. And given that I can’t guarantee to be there for James…

So what’s left? Do I just sit here and wait for this stupid body of mine to decay?



I need help… please…

  1. Gemma Wright says:

    The one who is able to help you is Jesus.
    Giver of life
    Prince of Peace
    Faithful One
    Creator of the Universe
    Creator of YOU
    Jesus is God, God is Love.
    You are loved.

    (Have you been to church yet?)

  2. What do you have left? A story to tell, and strength more than you realize. I agree with Gemma, Jesus is the one who will help you. He knows everything about us and still loves us, He sees the messes we make in our lives, and offers to help us wipe them away. Without Christ I would feel very, very alone with my lupus.

    The bible says that with God, all things are possible. You can start by just asking Christ to help you, and He will. Ask Him to help you understand. If you have a bible, I recommend that you read it a little every day, starting with the Psalms and the gospel of John. The bible is God’s words to us, and he promises to help us understand it when we read.

    Even if you have never done this before, I recommend getting down on your knees, and try talking to him about what you really are feeling. He can handle the truth about what you are thinking and feeling, and He won’t even be surprised. I think he longs to hear us call out to him for help and comfort, and as the bible says, he is “an ever present help in time of need.

    From Psalm 23, “though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.” Please don’t give up, try looking up to Jesus instead. ((Hugs)) LA

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