Archive for July, 2012

SOS

Posted: July 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

The last entry I wrote was 3 weeks ago. Some of the content I’m never going to share or at least I don’t think so. But having just re read it I can’t believe that between then and now, what I wrote is just even more poignant.

I found myself with a blade in my hand today. Just playing with it between my fingers. Not the sharpest of blades but it could do what was needed. I caught myself holding it against my skin and dropped it. All I could do was cry.

James, he’s one of two things keeping me going at the moment and I’m loosing grip of him too. Erica expressed her concern about how well I would cope with looking after him on my own. At first I thought it was some way of trying to be awkward but, in all fairness, she’s right. I can’t even look after myself so how can I look after him too.

In the last week I’ve collapsed, had a massive nosebleed, not slept for three days and then slept for a straight 15 hours. At work I fell asleep in the middle of an important job and came round to find I’d gone on auto pilot and adjusted stock off against the wrong code, the only way to fix it was to manually adjust all the items back on and then off again on the right code. A task like that should take longer than a full shift. I somehow managed to correct it in two hours. If I hadn’t I doubt I’d have had a job for much longer.

It’s got me wondering what I really have left. One of my sisters courteously pointed out that it’s all my own fault (shortly after stating that she didn’t want to get involved). I don’t deny that. But I couldn’t stay there. Everything would have continued downhill.

Currently I have very little in the way of physical possessions but I’ve never been one for them anyway. I have a few close friends but they have problems of their own without me adding to their worries both mentally and the physical effort of “carrying” me. And given that I can’t guarantee to be there for James…

So what’s left? Do I just sit here and wait for this stupid body of mine to decay?

 

 

I need help… please…