The week I wrote off my car, left my wife and lost the plot…

Posted: June 15, 2012 in Home
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You might think that you’ve grasped exactly what this is going to be from the title and you wouldn’t be far wrong.

Nine months ago I wrote several entries that were incredibly cryptic to the unperceptive reader and now is the time to explain what they were about.

Nine months ago I very nearly left my wife. Things had not been going well, not just in our relationship but in my whole life, and I needed a break to contemplate. I went to see my family and see some old friends who all had their own slant on the situation. Some had even been in exactly the same situation themselves. I had left knowing what I thought I needed to do and then on the drive back home I decided that I would give it another go. I had been with her since the beginning of 2006, had moved in late 2006 and since then had shared so much that I could not throw it all away just like that. Above all else I had our son to think about.

When I arrived home I told her what had gone through my mind and we agreed that we would work on it, however, nine months down the line and I felt that, if anything, the situation had only gotten worse. We had started to become hostile to one another and our son had obviously started to pick up on it.

During last week my mind had started to pick up on these things and so to clear my head I went out on a couple of nights with some close friends. The closest friends someone could ever have. On the Thursday night I decided to give our “usual driver” the chance for a rest and said I would drive. We met up with some more friends while we were out and after a brief stop at McDonalds, they went to get fuel and we drove off. I turned into an industrial estate that I was unfamiliar with, I didn’t know the road, so I slowed down. After noticing that the corner ahead was sharper than I had initially realised I stepped on the brake at which point the back end of the car stepped out. Counter steering didn’t help, feathering the accelerator did nothing either. The road was way to wet and all control of the car had been lost. We hit the kerb sideways, both tires at the same time and, while I thought the car would surely roll, it somehow jumped up and slammed into a metal railing. Momentum carried us down the railing and into the first tree that impacted on the front left. As we continued forward, the sound of leaves and branches slapping the car, I had the anticipation of suddenly hitting something solid…

…but that sudden solid object never came. The damage to the car had been done in the first instances, mainly with the first tree. All the other trees and bushes merely slowed the car until it came to rest several metres into the edge of a small wooded area. We all got out without injury. Any other variation on speed, trajectory, road condition and we wouldn’t have done. The car had found the perfect spot where the only thing that had really been damaged was the front end of the car (and perhaps a few twitchy nerves). It was the longest few seconds of my life.

No one shouted or screamed, the only noise came from the “pop” of impacting the first tree and then the swooshing and slapping of leaves and branches. And after, we were all quite calm.

I didn’t sleep that night. I had just stepped out the shower when my wife gave me a funny look for being up so early on my day off. After a somewhat bemusing conversation I went and sat on the sofa where everytime I started to doze off I kept seeing leaves and branches and woke up with a start. When I did start to drift finally I could still hear the conversation between my wife and mother in law. They seemed an awful lot more concerned about replacing the car than how I was. And the mother in law thought I was in the wrong as I had not tried to sort out the insurance or anything like that and that I didn’t seem bothered about the fact we now had no car.

I wasn’t, I couldn’t give a rats ass about the fact we had no car. It was my car in my name but my wife used it for work. She didn’t seem too enthusiastic about the idea of using the available public transport and she wasn’t keen on taking up the offers of her colleagues for a lift into work either. But she was more than prepared to have a go at me for writing off the car in the first place, as if I had control of the whole thing.

I think that was when I finally made up my mind.

It took another 24hrs to say anything to her. I waited until after she had put our son to bed and then explained it to her…

I had decided to leave straight away, to try and make things as easy as possible and not to have any excessive awkwardness lingering. But anyone who’s been through this sort of situation before, will know that it will always be awkward, no matter what the circumstances. It will typically have raised voices, begging and pleading…

…the anger was there alright. But there was no begging or pleading. I think she had already succumb to the idea that it was over too.

My friends with whom I had crashed the car, drove me the 100 miles to my eldest sisters house. It was there that I started my battle with God. Marriage is not to be taken lightly. It is a solemn vow witnessed by God and should be unbroken. What if the marriage was never right in the first place? I tried to convince myself time and time again that she was the one for me and with whom I would spend the rest of my life with, but it became harder and harder to do that the more time passed.

I’d rung work and asked for a few days off. The shift manager is one who I’ve worked with before and he said to take the time that I needed and he would sort it for me without a problem. I expected to have to fill in some absence paperwork when I got back but the two days I had taken off had been authorised as holidays with out any kind of problem.

The blanket message I’d sent on Facebook requesting a piece of floor or a sofa had been met with hundreds of responses (even from friends in foreign countries!). But I decided to stay close to work and to my old home because in all the aspects of my life over the past twelve months, with the obvious exception of my marriage, everything has been moving forward.

She was at first, ameniable. But tonight she became someone who I had never met before. She managed to push every big red button on the dashboard to the point where I got angry. The last time I was this angry I smashed someone’s head into a brick wall. It was a long time ago, and I have changed a lot since then, but I scared myself that I would slip back into that old self.

I’m sure you can imagine the rollercoaster I have been on in the last week, but the real thing is, I want to move forward again. But I feel like I’m stuck. I don’t quite know where to turn or who to turn to (or with).

(And this is still not the entire story…)

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