This is your life (are you who you want to be?)

Posted: February 6, 2012 in Music, Specifically Lupus, Work
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The regular readers amongst you will notice that I sometimes write factually and some times emotionally. The factual stuff comes when I notice a particular repeating question in a forum or a few tweets/status updates. The emotional is always triggered by something in particular that means something to me. The last week or so has seen some changes to both work and home and so here we are again. I’m writing and you’re reading.

Last week, saw the addition of a guest to out household. My mother in law has “temporarily” moved in with us. I use quotations because the last person who stayed temporarily was living with us for over half a year. This time round it’s a little different though because we also have an additional animal, baggage both physical and emotional, and last time round James hadn’t yet been born. Luckily the dogs are pretty happy with each other although now instead of tripping over one, I’m tripping over two. To be honest, since Kahn passed away I think Tyson is glad of the company.

She snores. LOUDLY! And I never considered it infectious but I’ve just got in from work and it’s like the whole house is about to collapse. Two dogs, my son, my wife and my mother in law are all competing for the loudest snore award. I’m incredibly tempted to make a rosette for one of them to wake up with.

worlds loudest snorerDon’t get me wrong, she’s lovely, but she has a tendency to meddle. For example, we as parents will raise our children how we think is best and not by what other people think we should be doing. However, I am quite happy to say that it doesn’t matter if you claim to have been the mother to six kids, if you still think butter is good for burns and that the rash on the bottom of my foot that has baffled doctors for eight years is athletes foot, then your opinion isn’t worth shit.

I was told by a new Team Leader at work a few weeks back that a job was coming up that needed six people to do and the first person he approached was me *beams with big grin*. He also asked me to take the lead on it and make sure it was being done quickly and accurately with a decent measure of both. This task started on Sunday and the general gist is to rectify certain mistakes that has become common practice and to ensure that stock is not being “written off” as faulty when it could, with minor effort, be cleaned/repaired and put to good stock.

I’m back on the buses. Luckily since I was last using them they have got the timetables sorted, the downside is that I managed to start using them again when they’re striking every other day this week. I took a steady walk with James to nursery (as steady as a three year old will walk so it took about half an hour to travel half a mile) it was really pleasant since I’d allowed for plenty of time so there was no rush. He more or less stayed by my side all the way and held my hand without a fuss as we crossed every road. At one point I chased him, then he chased me and as we passed the construction site for the new supermarket we discussed the finer points of laying foundations.

With plenty of time before the bus I stopped in at subway for lunch only to be disappointed by the worst subway experience ever. They didn’t have my bread, my cheese was only on 2 inches of a footlong, the toaster mildly warmed it, and when the lady leaned over for the meat I wasn’t anticipating the extra ingredient of her boobs in my sandwich, and the lettuce was browning.

On the bus I decided to listen to some music that I hadn’t heard for a while…

…the first time I heard this song, I’d never heard of Lupus and as far as I was concerned I still had everything to aim for. I didn’t know who, what or where I wanted to be. It frustrated me but it didn’t really matter.

And now?

I had it on repeat for the whole journey, pondering the lyrics, “This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger and you had everything to lose…”

I could turn around and say the whole lot is completely fucked up and to be honest yes it is, and yet still I can find a deep sense of satisfaction in that no matter how close I came to folding over the last few years I have both overcome and gone on to achieve huge amounts that even “normal” people would not even dream about (and perhaps that many could not even conceive of).

This is my life. I’m not who I want to be, yet. It might not be where I thought that I would be (when the world was younger and I had everything to lose) but I have the determination to overcome and drive forward to each next step and small goal I put in front of me.

What about you?

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Comments
  1. Glad to see someone with a chronic illness trying to live life to the fullest and keeping good ties to families.

    -Megan
    The Chronic Life, blog and forums for people living with a chronic illness

    • Lupoid says:

      I’m very lucky to have a supportive family. I know many have relations that are a little more than sceptical which has lead to some tremendous arguments.

      It probably falls down to the fact I don’t say much and more or less just get on with it and they accept that I have my quirks.
      x

      • Oh yeah, it definitely can. You’d be surprised how your family can get. Personally, I was raked over the coals by my brother for some of the less than fun decisions I had to make- like dropping a semester. He just didn’t get that I had been given no treatment and was finally at the point that I could hardly function.

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