Is there anyone listening?

Posted: October 23, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Something I don’t often talk about these days is my faith. It’s something that, through time, has grown, shaken, been strengthened, destroyed, and reaffirmed. My soul from birth to now has been on a wild roller-coaster ride. I have had some very intimate moments with God, some passionate shared experiences, and I am ashamed to say some seething angry moments.

It’s not so much that I don’t believe, how can someone possibly be angry at something that they think doesn’t exist. I wholeheartedly believe that God exists, I have seen much that could fall into that “unexplained” bracket that most would call it. I would undeniably call it God’s work.

I once believed that I knew what God’s plan for me was. I left the job I had always wanted to do, in the understanding that God had other plans, I waited and obeyed the signs as they came through. I ended up at university studying theology. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have even thought that I, who had no prior college or further academic experience, would get into university…

…I never finished that degree. A series of events unfolded that meant I would have had to retake my second year. If my faith in God had been stronger at the time I probably would have done, but I had been shaken to the core by the passing of a friend. An untimely cruel event and moreover, at the time, I felt as though there was something I could have done to prevent.

But looking back from where I am now, every minor decision I have made as lead me to now. The slightest difference in choices and I would not be blessed with my wife and son, I would not be living where I am now, working where I am, and I doubt I would be coping half as well in life without them. But what of God?

I believe that God guided me out of my dream job, into these series of events, and the real plan is still yet to unfold. And so I wait. Listening.

I’ve never been very good at praying. I do make the effort, I just don’t know what to say to the One who knows what I want and what I need. There are times when I have the heart and soul of an artist, and times when I have the keen, logical mind of a scientist. The artist in me can create words that flow easily off the tongue, but sometimes the creativity can explode and the true meaning of the point I’m getting at can get lost. And again, as “the scientist”, the cold calculating logic and matter-of-fact can confuse things more than they clear them up. All is not black and white, but sometimes too much colour can clash and be overwhelming.

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

1 Timothy 4:12

I found this passage while flicking through the pages of my bible when I was around 17. It inspired me. I had already been quite an active member of the church where I was, but this passage moved me to try and change my life from the occasionally selfish person that I was to be a new person. I have, since I discovered this passage, done exactly what the letter from Paul to Timothy has said, but I’ve tried to take it one step further. I every word, in every action, I have tried my damnedest to set that example. And not just to those who would believe but also to those who quite avidly don’t.

Don’t get me wrong, I do occasionally slip into being the biggest hypocrite going, but for the most part I go out of my way for other people. This does sometimes bite me in the ass. Some people see a free ride and jump on board for the sake of it. But regardless of this, I will still go out of my way for others.

And what of my disease? Why should I suffer? But then I ask this of you, why shouldn’t I suffer? Jesus suffered for my sins. For the most part I do get frustrated at my limitations, but as I’ve already said, there is a bigger picture unfolding. I know of quite a few people who have stumbled over my blog in the past two years and have found comfort in the fact they are not alone, at the very least. Perhaps this is part of that picture, perhaps I can inspire courage into others, to let them know that whatever difficulties they may face there is always a way through it. I have been wholly humbled by lupus, I once thought I could do anything and yet when I tried it was quite the half-arsed attempt. These days, whatever I do I put everything I am into it. Half-arsed is no longer an option, it would be a waste. I still can do anything, I just have to plan, prepare and get the timing right. I have a new focus that I never had before.

And what of the title?

This I pray,

Lord, I thank You for everything you have given to me this far. I am blessed with family and some good friends who have stood by me when I have turned away. You alone know the plan for me in this life. Whatever path You lay out and guide me down, I will follow. Everything up to now has been preparation, this much I know. I am ready. I do not ask for wealth (or even health). I do not ask for that elusive happiness that others may seek. I ask that You use me in whatever way You see fit.


I. Am. Ready.

  1. Carrie says:

    Tim, you are “living” your faith from the inside out. It is genuine in the person that you are. This was a beautiful blog. I am blessed to know you and your encouragement. Keep walking the walk as you are! xo Thank you for your blog ;0

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