Nose Against The Wall…

Posted: September 28, 2011 in Specifically Lupus
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I realised something this weekend just gone. I’ve been picking at the imperfections on the wall in front of me, scraping off the paint. It’s an ugly sight.

What I should have done was taken a few paces back and looked again. Because from that place I was stood in for the last few months I became self absorbed in the little imperfections and saw them as horrendous monstrosities.

In the metaphorical story above I’d decide to knock the whole wall down to start again but after leaving and re-entering the room, hammer in hand, I stopped and realised what I was about to do.

The wall, with all it’s imperfections, had taken toil and time to be what it is now. Not just mine but of everyone who has come (and gone) from my life. Each brick laid by a different person, every brush stroke in the paintwork a unique signature of those who’ve stood by me, supported me, just been a friend, someone who’s made a remark while passing in the street, and even those who’ve been so close it’s physically hurt when they abandoned me.

I was about to throw it all away. Break it all up to try and start again. But, in fairness, what would I have been left with?

Nothing.

To try and rebuild a wall like that would have probably been impossible and still riddled with imperfections. Perhaps not the paintwork, but what of the mortar?

Those who know me personally, particularly through my youth will know that when faced with difficulties I’ve backed away. Sometimes turned and run altogether. I guess Lupus has changed all that. I can’t ignore it in the hopes that it will just go away and I certainly can’t run from it.

I was preparing to escape, and I was preparing to lose a lot but this time was different.

Something in me is different.

Given what I’ve just said above, I’m still not 100% comfortable. Or even 99%…

The situation I found myself in was of my own making. A series off thoughts, decisions… where half the time I was thinking “what the…‽” whilst I was making those misguided choices. The last few months(?) have been like watching someone else in control of my body and mind. And all the while I in myself have become paranoid, anxious whilst this other person has been out of control and reckless in my body.

I guess it would be easier that way, wouldn’t it? To blame someone else. But the truth is, I’m worried that there’s still more to this picture.

Something in me feels different.

I don’t want to take another step back. I don’t want to look at the other walls that are holding up my ceiling. I don’t want to turn around and find them crumbling and decaying.

I’ve had this debate with myself time and again – what would I miss most… hearing? sight? taste?

Genuinely…

…My mind

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Comments
  1. lupusadventurer says:

    These are indeed profound questions you are asking yourself, and your mind. To some degree I believe most other lupus patients with significant disease can somehow relate, even if just a little. Each of us walks a very unique and sometimes quite alone path with our lupus.

    I certainly understand the sense that lupus is with you, as what I like to describe as “an unwelcome companion” in my life, traveling along with me everywhere I go. However, choosing to co-exist with it without it being my undoing takes strength of heart and willingness to say “I will not be a victim to it, I will choose to react differently, I will not let IT have that much power over me.” I choose victory. I choose to have joy in my life. This is my decision, and it is not up to lupus or its whims in attacking my body. I will not be undone by it!

    For me, I also ask God for his merciful help to give me courage and strength beyond what I can muster all on my own. I don’t ask Him to take away my lupus anymore, I have accepted it, albeit unwillingly (I WOULD wish it away if I could) but I have seen Him present and strengthening me in the overwhelmingly tough moments. This is a powerful and encouraging experience to watch God’s love and strength work in a way so different than my own feeble abilities.

    Hang in there!

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