Not all those who wander are lost…

Posted: July 21, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I went for a walk last night. It wasn’t just a random wandering, there was an overall purpose to it, I just happened to take a detour.

I wanted to straighten out all the things in my mind but in trying to do so I just ended up overcomplicating things. On reflection of my previous post and my reference to being a Good Samaritan I have come to the uneasy realisation that over the past days and weeks I have been incredibly selfish to the point of being callous. I have caught myself out doing something I detest. I have been omitting details to my own advantage (okay so far…) but it has been to the disadvantage of others. Perhaps not to the extent that some people would, and yet, thinking back on it I feel rotten. I feel like I have stepped on “the little guy” just to get a step ahead. But the real kicker is knowing that because of my long-term health, it may only be short-term gain.

I’ve tried to justify what I’ve done by saying “if I don’t my health will suffer” but in all fairness taking it a little slower would probably be more beneficial.

I also mentioned a few posts back about a moral dilemma to which I didn’t go into details about. I’m still not prepared to do that but by thinking over the situation from a slightly different perspective I’ve come to the conclusion that I take my wife for granted (given that they are two unrelated topics I’m not quite sure how my brain jumped between the two but it did…).

I catch myself thinking that she could do more to help me and yet it’s not something that I should really expect. When we met we were both (relatively) healthy individuals but since then a series of unfortunate events has brought us to where we are today. She has had three major surgeries. One on her knee and two on her lower back. She still has to look after her back but because of her prior knee problems she can’t bend it properly and so anything in the house that needs doing below waist height (i.e. picking laundry up off the floor, lifting/carrying) I feel responsible for. When she comes home from work she stops and yet I find myself carrying on and sorting dinner 9 times out of 10 and making cups of tea, etc. and it’s these little things that I find myself resenting.

I shouldn’t.

If I were healthy it’s what I should be doing, looking after my wife. But I’m not. And when I can’t fulfill these small tasks I find myself on a guilt trip. And in retrospect she does do tasks around the house that I can’t. She washes the dishes (when she has the time) because if I have my hands in water for any length of time they become painful as my fingers swell. She also does almost 2 hours of ironing on a weekend because I just don’t have the stamina to be stood in one spot for that length of time (after standing in one spot at work for most of the week).

Perhaps it does fall down to my own fault. Perhaps I should be asking for help and yet I don’t want to put any more pressure on her. And I’m afraid to ask my friends and family for any help because (from my perspective) they cannot see the issues and might think that I’m exaggerating or even making it all up.

Those days where I do feel “normal” I feel like I’ve been lying to those around me and I feel like a fraud and that, in turn, leads to feeling like I need to hide the problems on the bad days, which is the more fraudulent and the bigger lie.

Both the rheumatologist and dermatologist want to put me on immuno-suppressants. I have refused them. Why? Because I see it as a weakness. It would be accepting that my body is failing me (even though I’m well aware that it is). Common sense would say that I being daft and probably reducing my lifespan on the basis of an idiotic perception but there are so many questions that I refuse to ask for fear of the answers.

I need to work. I need to keep my mind active at the very least. And yet at the same time I need to rest and take stock. Maybe a solitary retreat for a while. If only I could get away with it without the risk or worry of losing my job. They have been getting rid of people at work for silly reasons of late because of overstaffing. It’s one of the bummers of working through an agency. Once I get a permanent contract (and I’m damned determined to get one) it may well be a different story.

I feel like I’m on a repeat of the last two years. The worries of work and providing for my family, refusing/denying I need the correct treatment, denying there’s anything wrong, hiding the fact there is something wrong. As my therapist would say I’m ruminating. If I’m not going to do anything about it I should just forget it and move on.

If only it where that simple…

  1. Gemma Wright says:

    Hi, its me, Gemma, your biggest, ok, wisest, hmm… ok, oldest sister.
    I want you to know that Jesus heals. Today. Its not just a story in the bible.
    I know because he did it for me. and I know many, many people personally who have experienced complete and permanent healing.
    this is my story…
    I had a tumour on my pituitary gland, you know that. It got operated on in 2004, you know that too. one of the risks of the operation was that my pituitary gland would permantly stop making antidiuretic hormone. this happened. antidiuretic hormone tells your kidneys to conserve water. without it, the kidneys would just filter ALL the water out of the bloodstream. they did their best! without taking a replacement hormone i could pee out over 3 liters of water in an hour. slight problem!
    so there you have it, stuck on medication, dead in a day without it.
    then I became a Christian (despite having gone to church previously), got to know Jesus through the bible and personal relationship with Him and heard that he healed. So I prayed. Lots.
    At a conference I think it was 2007, I heard the leader at the front listing conditions that he thought Jesus wanted to heal and I got really cross because they were very generic and could apply to anyone. then my friend pointed out as I was ranting that the person was trying to say ‘there was someone in the room with a problem with their pituitary gland’. They were stumbling over the word ‘pituitary’ so someone else had to say it for them. I got prayed for. I did note here that they didn’t say God wanted to heal, but I did know from this that God had heard my prayer which gave me reassurance. It didn’t put me off asking Jesus for healing though, in fact it made me ask for it more. I got prayed for many times over the next 2 years.
    One morning at church I was being prayed for about something completely unrelated and someone called out a bible passage from 2 kings ch5 where Naaman was healed from leprosy, the bit that stood out was where he was told by the prophet Elisha “Go, wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed.”
    Why 7 times? surely once was enough? what would have happened if he gave up after the 6th time? It made me ask God again if I could be healed.
    Well… It turned out I got healed. But i ended up in a and e to discover that. I was now making my own antidiuretic hormone, and taking a replacement so in effect I was taking a double dose. So i stopped peeing completely!!!
    I had blood tests and kidney scans (ultrasound and ct) and the showed that everything was completely normal. There where 3 doctors just staring at me while 4th was on the phone to the endocrinologist asking him what they should do. The suggested I stop taking the medication and said I could contact them any time if i needed it in an emergency. 2.5 years later I’m still not taking the medication. The doctors are still confused and ask at every hospital appointment how many times I get up in the night to pee (the answer is none).
    All praise and honour and glory to Jesus, I know him as saviour, provider, HEALER, friend.
    the small group/house group that I am in pray for you regularly because I want to see a miracle happen in your life.
    Please find yourself a church that is filled with the holy spirit, ask people to pray for healing for you and Erica. What’s the worst that could happen?

  2. I’ve been doing similar circles in my head lately with regards to my chronic illness and its affects on my daily life and relationship. Thanks for sharing.

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