One step forward, two steps back…

Posted: July 20, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ll start by saying I’ve forgotten…

I was going to have a really profound title to this post that I’d thought of on the bus home from work and, if I remember it, it will change…

It had something to do with feeling a sense of satisfaction in one thing whilst feeling a little downhearted about something else, perhaps with a little in the way of conflicted feelings in there as well.

As you can probably guess the last few days have been a little weird. James over the weekend decided to projectively upchuck all over the back of the car, to the end that I was the one in the pink marigolds with soapy water, followed by vanish stain remover and half a bottle off febreeze… the febreeze is still in the car…

Work on Sunday was same old, same old. Monday was a little awkward because one of my friends was moved to a different department on a different lunch time so our usual lunch time chatter was me sat in silence.

Monday night involved Erica upchucking for the most part… (can you see where this is going?)

Tuesday morning and Erica rang in sick to work and I was feeling particularly more nauseous than usual but given that if I didn’t go to work I would probably have fallen into the “unemployed” category very quickly (again) I grabbed the stereo and car keys and went in nonetheless. At least I had the car since, had it been public transport, I probably would not have made it in.
When I got to work I grabbed one of the team leads who is more sympathetic than most and pointed out that I was unwell and so might be a little slower paced than usual. Luckily it wasn’t really all that necessary…. except for the hour in which I actually went and shouted down the big white porcelain telephone to God. After that I felt fine (relatively speaking of course) and cracked on.

Tuesday night I was on my usual internet surf board and found TWLOHA (I can’t remember where I came across the link) and on there found some links to some external sites, where a few links later, I came across some music…. which rocks. (I’m going to add lyrics and links in a later entry.)

Time for me to get to the point I guess…

I was promised weeks ago that I would get cross trained at work so I could move onto packing (a place where I can stand in a single spot rather than running around four separate floors and in an area where the lighting is about 20 metres above me rather than in an area where there are 10,650 high intensity fluorescent bulbs less than 1 metre above). They finally got me signed off (yey! *throws party in head*). But better than that, next week I’m getting trained on something else to the end that I may well end up doing a job with an achievable target for me (without pushing myself over the edge, that is).

So things are looking up on that front.

The downside of this week has more been about the thoughts running through my head, as is usually the case. And this is the point where the fluidity goes…

There’s been several instances this week where I’ve failed to act in situations where someone has quite clearly needed my (or someone else’s) help. My excuse – I would be putting myself at risk. But that is something that has never stopped me before. In fact in “normal” circumstances I would have gone head first into a situation (possibly with a little naivety) and it’s not that I wouldn’t consider the consequences but dismissed them to be dealt with if and when they arise.

And in all honesty, it bugs me. I am not the Good Samaritan I thought I was and I don’t know what has changed to make me slam the anchors on and think so damned hard about stuff.

  1. Brynn Clark says:

    I believe you’re truly still a Good Samaritan. What I think you’ve done, however, is finally start to put yourself first. The way it should be. THEN you’ll find a balance for both, rather than expend your sparse energies all on other people…if you’re well, they’re well. ;o)

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