Archive for July, 2011

I went for a walk last night. It wasn’t just a random wandering, there was an overall purpose to it, I just happened to take a detour.

I wanted to straighten out all the things in my mind but in trying to do so I just ended up overcomplicating things. On reflection of my previous post and my reference to being a Good Samaritan I have come to the uneasy realisation that over the past days and weeks I have been incredibly selfish to the point of being callous. I have caught myself out doing something I detest. I have been omitting details to my own advantage (okay so far…) but it has been to the disadvantage of others. Perhaps not to the extent that some people would, and yet, thinking back on it I feel rotten. I feel like I have stepped on “the little guy” just to get a step ahead. But the real kicker is knowing that because of my long-term health, it may only be short-term gain.

I’ve tried to justify what I’ve done by saying “if I don’t my health will suffer” but in all fairness taking it a little slower would probably be more beneficial.

I also mentioned a few posts back about a moral dilemma to which I didn’t go into details about. I’m still not prepared to do that but by thinking over the situation from a slightly different perspective I’ve come to the conclusion that I take my wife for granted (given that they are two unrelated topics I’m not quite sure how my brain jumped between the two but it did…).

I catch myself thinking that she could do more to help me and yet it’s not something that I should really expect. When we met we were both (relatively) healthy individuals but since then a series of unfortunate events has brought us to where we are today. She has had three major surgeries. One on her knee and two on her lower back. She still has to look after her back but because of her prior knee problems she can’t bend it properly and so anything in the house that needs doing below waist height (i.e. picking laundry up off the floor, lifting/carrying) I feel responsible for. When she comes home from work she stops and yet I find myself carrying on and sorting dinner 9 times out of 10 and making cups of tea, etc. and it’s these little things that I find myself resenting.

I shouldn’t.

If I were healthy it’s what I should be doing, looking after my wife. But I’m not. And when I can’t fulfill these small tasks I find myself on a guilt trip. And in retrospect she does do tasks around the house that I can’t. She washes the dishes (when she has the time) because if I have my hands in water for any length of time they become painful as my fingers swell. She also does almost 2 hours of ironing on a weekend because I just don’t have the stamina to be stood in one spot for that length of time (after standing in one spot at work for most of the week).

Perhaps it does fall down to my own fault. Perhaps I should be asking for help and yet I don’t want to put any more pressure on her. And I’m afraid to ask my friends and family for any help because (from my perspective) they cannot see the issues and might think that I’m exaggerating or even making it all up.

Those days where I do feel “normal” I feel like I’ve been lying to those around me and I feel like a fraud and that, in turn, leads to feeling like I need to hide the problems on the bad days, which is the more fraudulent and the bigger lie.

Both the rheumatologist and dermatologist want to put me on immuno-suppressants. I have refused them. Why? Because I see it as a weakness. It would be accepting that my body is failing me (even though I’m well aware that it is). Common sense would say that I being daft and probably reducing my lifespan on the basis of an idiotic perception but there are so many questions that I refuse to ask for fear of the answers.

I need to work. I need to keep my mind active at the very least. And yet at the same time I need to rest and take stock. Maybe a solitary retreat for a while. If only I could get away with it without the risk or worry of losing my job. They have been getting rid of people at work for silly reasons of late because of overstaffing. It’s one of the bummers of working through an agency. Once I get a permanent contract (and I’m damned determined to get one) it may well be a different story.

I feel like I’m on a repeat of the last two years. The worries of work and providing for my family, refusing/denying I need the correct treatment, denying there’s anything wrong, hiding the fact there is something wrong. As my therapist would say I’m ruminating. If I’m not going to do anything about it I should just forget it and move on.

If only it where that simple…