And it comes in waves…

Posted: June 18, 2010 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

When I woke this morning I didn’t think, I didn’t feel…. I just didn’t register anything.

The auto-pilot kicked in and before I knew it I was sat on the back door step, coffee in hand and the dogs at my feet.

It was only then that the real world started to seep in and the first feeling I felt was exhaustion and the first thought was of going back to bed. It was shortly after this that I registered the fact that I was in pain, more so than yesterday, and given how I’ve been the last few days I knew that work was going to be a bad idea.

After struggling to get dressed I gave my wife and son a kiss and went out of the door to work. I’d made it as far as the street corner when I noticed that I was weeping. Not crying, but a subtle dampness to my eyes that I’ve not had in a long time, and that lump that burns the back of your throat as you know you just want to give in.

My mind opened up and the waves came in. One after another, the things that have been dragging on for months with no resolve, bombarded me with no remorse and just when I thought I could take a deep breath another would drown me. I couldn’t fight any longer. My usual strong strides when walking to work dissolved into timid little shuffles as the registration of the pain of my feet, knees and hips swamped into my already battered mind. The exhaustion came back and every further step became closer to the impossible.

I made it to work. But it didn’t stop there.

I had managed to block out most of the pain and had stopped weeping by the time I’d made it from the main entrance to my office. I sluggishly went on with my usual tasks still feeling my strength slipping away and then my boss handed me a letter:

“I am sorry to advise you that you have failed to achieve your 3% target. Therefore, in accordance with the Sickness Absence Policy, you are required to attend a stage two sickness review meeting”

I was just too numb by that point to it have made much difference. I guess in a way I saw it coming.

I am angry. Angry at the policy. Angry at the people who implement it with no regard for disability. Angry that no “reasonable adjustments” have been made after the recommendations being made five months ago. Angry at the fact that there is sod all I can do to prevent the relentless march of HR and their stupid policy.

I can see where this could lead and I don’t like it. Not one bit.

I shouldn’t be at work. I have a migraine coming on and can hardly see straight or even stand straight which is a bad combination when you work with machinery that could tear your fingers off. But if I take time off I would go onto half-pay and I can’t afford that. If I take time off it would give HR more to beat their drum about. If I take time off my boss would have to miss a funeral this afternoon to cover and, however much I detest him, I’m not that callous.

This has been going on for the last five months and I’ve had enough. I just feel like I’m chasing my own tail – going nowhere but feeling dizzy while doing so. But everything is out of my control…

  1. Alan says:

    Jeez mate – yer making my awful life look idyllic!

  2. eli says:

    oh tim…hang in there hun…you’re an inspiration to those affected by this…

    and from the way you describe it…blimey…i would have given up a long time ago…

    so kudos to you…not many could cope as well as you do…be proud 🙂

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